I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
