I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
