She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
