i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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