Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
