why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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