what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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