I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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