Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
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