If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We need a shit load of segways right now
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
