MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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