i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
