I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
