I just saw a hot homeless man
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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