How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
