Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
