take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
