The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
