I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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