I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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