Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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