thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
