Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i love accidental penises.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
