why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
