my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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