Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Randomize
