There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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