I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Can you bring me the toilet please
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
