Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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