I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
