Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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