Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
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