I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
