the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
