If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
