Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
