If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So much rum. So many feels.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
