When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
