I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
