someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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