Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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