Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
