just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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