i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
