good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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