sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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