i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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