flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
