You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
