It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
