so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
