Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
