Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You are a genius and a whore.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
