Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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