Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
