She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
