Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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