last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
